I want to be friends with Wil Wheaton

Quick reference for the uninformed: Wil Wheaton played one of the kids in Stand by Me and Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: The Next Generation. He has also done other stuff, he'd probably like for you to know, has written a couple good books, and runs a website, among other things. He's an all-around cool guy.

So I was reading Wil Wheaton's blog the other day when I realized that we're a lot alike. We're both geeks, we're both smart, we're both decent writers, etc. We like the same shows, we have the same attitude. He even mentioned a thing he does with a driving companion where he points at a hay wagon and says, "Hey!"

I do that! I love it as much as my driving companions hate it.

Me: "Hey!"
Driving Companion: "What?"
Me: *points at hay wagon*
Driving Companion: *rolls eyes*

Also, in a pinch, I've been known to do the same thing with "Great!" and point at a sewer drain.

Anyhoo, he seems like he'd be a cool guy to hang out with, and I'm pretty sure we'd easily get along. But there's a problem.

He's a famous person.

You see, famous people aren't friends with regular people (and it's not their fault; it's ours). At least, they aren't in my personal experience. There are reasons for this.

Reason #1: Famous people tend to live a distance from you.

It's a matter of statistics. It's also a matter of most famous people living on the West coast and most regular people living in the rest of the country, which there is a lot of. Let's say, for example, that Wil reads this blog and, in a momentary lapse of reason, decides to become friends with me on this post alone. It's not like he's going to take time out of his busy schedule and personal life to fly over to Western PA and play Fireball Island with me, and I wouldn't expect him to. Most friends live near each other.

"But Julian," you may be saying, "Let's say, due to this temporary insanity that Wil is suffering, he wants to be your friend anyway. Friends e-mail each other, right?"

That's true, they do. But this also leads me (thank you, hypothetical inquisitive person) directly into the flux capacitor of my next reason.

Reason #2: Famous people have no reason to trust you.

You have to look at it from their point of view. What if I'm a stalker? Wil doesn't want to have to deal with that.

I'm not, by the way. I own a minivan, I drink Fuzzy Navels ("I'll have a Fuzzy Navel and she'll have the most womanly drink at this bar" "Two Fuzzy Navels coming right up"), and I have a copy (two, actually) of Fireball Island; I'm the least dangerous person I know.

But I could be. Anyone could. For all Wil knows, he could show up to play my running gag for this post and end up chained in my basement wearing a Starfleet uniform with a rainbow on it.

And famous people also have no reason to believe that you won't give out their E-Mail address. It's as simple as that.

Reason #3: You're not the only one.

You may think you're a special and unique snowflake, you may think that you'd be great friends with a famous person, but I'm guessing there's a million other people who think the same thing.

It's like my crush on Thora Birch. I may believe that she's the perfect woman for me, but have you Googled her name recently? Have you Googled the name of any famous person you want to be friends with? There are whole websites dedicated to them. Lots of them. Obviously, someone else out there likes them as much, if not more, than you do. They probably get tons and tons of E-Mails and letters from people professing their undying love.

"But Julian," you may say again, "I'm sure that if [insert famous person here] knew about me, they'd see that I'm different than all those other people."

That may be true. However...

Reason #4: Famous people don't know you exist.

That pretty much sums it up.

So, all in all, I think I take a pretty logical stance on the issue of becoming friends with famous people. Wil Wheaton, Thora Birch, Mike Rowe... I think I'd be a cool guy for any of them to hang out or chat with. But it's probably not going to happen unless I become famous myself.

And that's the key to the whole thing. Want to be friends with a famous person? Be famous.

That's the goal. Someday, I'll be a famous writer. And even though the money and recognition will be nice, the best thing will be calling up other famous people and inviting them over for Fireball Island.

Me: "Wasn't that fun?"
Wil: "Yeah... I can't believe I've beat you 50 times in a row. You really suck at Fireball Island."
Me: "Let me show you something in my basement."

Updates! Sort of.

Hey! I know no one cares about (or even is aware of) this blog, but I just wanted everyone to know that after almost a year of inactivity, I will be blogging this place up like nobody's business. I have lots to talk about.

However, at the moment, I need to go get my driver's liscence photo taken for my renewal, so I can't talk about these things just yet. I will later. Really. No, I mean it this time.

Upcoming topics to look forward to: Wil Wheaton, driver's liscence photos, and possibly an ongoing story! Ooh, boy!

We'll see how long this newfound bloggy excitement lasts...